


The Final Neela & Bronte Parody

by aheshke



Category: Redwall Series - Brian Jacques
Genre: Gen, Humor, Old Writing, Oneshot, backed up for posterity, give me a holler if you remember me, i wrote this when i was 16 ok, lightly pokes fun at the canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-10-28 09:41:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20776475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aheshke/pseuds/aheshke
Summary: The squad from Dibbuns Against Bedtime tries their hand at playing in a world of Redwall canon tropes. Will they succeed in their quest before everything descends into chaos?[Special thanks to the 2010's DAB community and the Laughin' Place, where this was originally posted and now lightly edited and reposted here as the best sample from the works I posted there over the years, in the hopes that what happened to Geocities and the Voy boards won't take this fic down again. Hope you enjoy this bit of silliness.]





	The Final Neela & Bronte Parody

Thunder boomed ominously across the expanse of Mossflower Wood and Redwall Abbey. A cold wind came up, rustling the leaves and making the trees sway and creak. Lightning flashed again, and at the first boom, somebeast hammered on the Abbey gate—

“Oh, drat, was that my cue?”

Somebeast hammered on the—

“Argh, where did I drop my sword?”

Somebeast—

“Ah, found it!”

Somebeast _very belatedly_ hammered on the Abbey gates, a considerably less dramatic sound now that the rain was beginning to fall.

A face shrouded in a dark hood peeped over the ramparts.

“Hullo? ‘Oo’s there?” it asked.

The traveler at the gate pushed back her hood suddenly. “I am Lissi Riversong, greatest of all otter warriors! Yea, verily, I have journeyed many seasons in search of the place they call Redwall. All shall know my name—Yowch!” (A raindrop had caught her directly in the eye.)

“Oh, a _warrior_,” said the figure on the wall. “’Suppose you’d best come with me, then.”

There was a sound of wood scratching on wood, and then the Abbey gates slowly creaked open a fraction. Lissi darted inside and the figure closed them behind her.

From there, they hurried to get into the gatehouse, the rain suddenly increasing its onslaught.

Once inside, the figure removed its hood and Lissi could see that they were a… _something_. Maybe a hedgehog, maybe an old squirrel, maybe a mouse. It wasn’t really clear. They could have been a squid for all she could tell.

“Sorry,” she said. “I didn’t catch your name.”

“I’m Gatekeeper,” they said.

“No, your real name. You know, like John or Sarah or Redelm Sequoia.”

They fixed her with a sharp look. “You don’t think ‘Gatekeeper’ is a good name?”

“No, I—“

“You think I’m joking?”

“No, but—“

“You think ‘Posy’ or ‘Tulip’ would be more appropriate?”

“No—“

“Then my name is Gatekeeper and nothing else. Understood?”

“N—yes. Fine.”

Gatekeeper searched around the corner of the room and finally pulled out an old, tattered umbrella.

“You. Listerine or whoever you are. Stay here,” they told her before heading back into the storm.

***

“Mother Abbess? Is the Abbess here?” called out Gatekeeper, shaking water out of their eyes.

“Yep, I am,” sang out Songwind, hopping down from the stairway. Neela, Skystar, and Bronte followed the squirrelmaid.

“What? Time out. You’re the Abbess?” asked Bronte, dismayed. “I thought we all agreed that I could be the Abbot!”

“We said ‘maybe’, Bronte m’lad,” said Skystar. “Besides, there’s still plenty of important roles open.”

“But they’re not the _saaame_,” Bronte whined.

“Oh, you big baby,” said his sister. “You’ll live.”

“Hullo?” asked Gatekeeper. “I’m still here. And so’s the story, for that matter.”

Songwind took charge of things. “Alrighty then. Bronte: hushup. We’ll figger it out later. Gatekeep, whatcha got t’say?”

“Some hotshot ottermaid named Listerine just arrived and is waiting in the gatehouse.” They shrugged. “She’s about yea high—" it marked a spot in the air a little taller than its knees, “—and claims she’s a great warrior.”

“Lissi? Perfect timing!” Neela exclaimed, grinning. “Now we can get moving!”

“Hey, I just thought of something,” said Bronte. “Can I be Skipper? I was, like, _made_ for that role.”

“Then what does that make me?” asked Neela. “The Friar?”

The others exchanged terrified glances.

***

And _that_ was how Neela was unanimously voted into the relatively explosive-proof positions of Skipper, Recorder, and Honorary Foremole, and Bronte was given the illustrious roles of Friar, Cellardog, and Infirmary Caretaker.

Skystar was named Honorary Badger Lord, Long Patrol H’officer, Traveling Bard, and Honorary Badgermum.

“Well, that gets rid of a lot of them,” said Lissi, steam rising from her fur and clothes as she dried out near the fire in Cavern Hole after another dash through the rain. “But who’s going to be Vaska Bloodclaws?”

“Who?” asked Neela, not really paying attention because she was admiring her new sling.

Lissi face-palmed. “Seriously? Did no one read my notes for the Roleplay Game? I worked on them _for weeks_.”

“I read them,” said Gatekeeper.

“Thank y—Oh. That’s not very nice, you know,” she said, glaring at them.

“Wasn’t trying to be,” they retorted.

“Whuh?” asked Skystar. “Sorry, lass, but I don’t follow, wot.”

“Gatekeeper’s technically an NPC. Couldn’t possibly have read them, since Gatekeeper only exists here,” she said.

“Gatekeeper is the Gatekeeper,” they said. “Gatekeeper keeps the gates because no one else will.”

“Ah. Oi see naow,” said Neela, who then winced. “Gosh. Molespeech is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be."

Lissi was becoming exasperated. “Really, guys. Who’s gonna be Vaska Bloodclaws? I need a villain! If no one volunteers, then I—I’ll just have to play the role myself!”

“You’d play your own antagonist?” asked Gatekeeper. “Wow, and I thought_ I_ was a sorry case.”

“It could work!” the ottermaid said defensively. “Haven’t you seen the short at the beginning of ‘Toy Story’?”

“As a matter of fact, I haven’t.”

“Nonsense. Everyone’s seen ‘Toy Story’.”

“I’ll be your villain, Lissi,” Songwind said, her large brown eyes flashing eagerly. “I could do it.”

Lissi’s mouth twisted. “Thanks, Song, but no offense. You’re just not that… intimidating,” she finished awkwardly.

Instead of drooping with rejection, Songwind only became more determined. “I can be the villain, Lissi! I can be scary! I can be intimawotsit! Watch this: Rargh!” Songwind scrunched up her face in what she thought was a menacing glower, but instead looked to everyone else like she was trying to hold in a sneeze.

“Well…” said Lissi.

“Oh, just let her do the role, Lissi. We’ve got no one else who can do it, anyway,” said Bronte, dolefully tugging at his Friar’s smock.

“And we_ really_ need to get back to the bloomin’ story,” added Skystar.

Lissi sighed. “Okay, fine. You can be Vaska, Song.”

“Yay!” said Songwind, jubilant. Then she realized that “yay” wasn’t quite appropriate for a villain roleplayer to say. “I mean, cor! I feel like I’ve just slayed ten foes!”

“Okay, so is everyone ready for the roleplay?” asked Neela.

“Yup,” said Bronte and Skystar together, before turning to each other and muttering, “Jinx.”

“Yep!” said Songwind.

“I guess so,” was Lissi’s reply as she thought forlornly of the folder of character notes she had painstakingly put together.

“I’m always ready,” Gatekeeper deadpanned.

“Then let’s go!” sang out Neela, already running for the door out to the grounds.

***

Catching up to the main part of the story, the cast of roleplayers found that after Lissi’s dramatic entrance, not much happened for a while in the plot until Lissi dreamed of Martin the Warrior, which hadn’t happened yet.

“I’m bored,” said Bronte, slumped moodily over a cup of hot chocolate in Cavern Hole.

“You’re the Friar—why don’t you try making something new?” asked Skystar, never one to miss out on an opportunity for good food.

“I’m bored of that, too,” the otter said.

“We’re all bored,” said Neela, cutting in. “I haven’t made an explosion happen in almost a week, which must be seriously some kind of record.”

“We could always play Redwall Monopoly,” suggested Lissi Riversong.

“We’re not_ that_ bored, are we?” asked Neela. No one would meet her eyes. “Are we?” she asked again, with a note of desperation.

“I’m getting the box,” said Bronte as he got up.

“I’m gonna win Redwall first this time, you’ll see,” Songwind promised, already excited. “An’ there’ll be eleventy-thousand hotels on it!”

“Woo,” said Neela, absentmindedly stirring her luke-warm cup of mint tea. She was bored and playing Bored™ Games didn’t sound like they would help her. Where in the seasons was the Martin Dream™ Simulator?

But Redwall Monopoly apparently did the trick because all five dibbuns fell asleep before they could even finish it.

And that night Lissi finally dreamed of Martin the Warrior. Or so she originally thought.

She dreamed of a shadowy place with faint, soft lighting and a spooky mist covering the ground. A cowled figure walked out of the mist, face hidden in shadows.

Even though it was an auto-Martin, Lissi couldn’t help but feel awed to be addressed by one of her heroes, no matter if it was virtual.

“What do you wa—“ Lissi started to ask, but her dramatic (and stereotypical) question was stopped by the figure holding up a paw. It was a rather chubbier and larger paw than Lissi expected and she stared until the figure hid it again. Maybe Martin had taken to a much softer lifestyle since she had last glimpsed him? The thought was ludicrous, but then again, Lissi didn’t know _everything_ about the warrior mouse.

The figure drew forth a piece of parchment and said,

_“Lissi of Rivers carrying song_

_Heed my words for my time is not long_

_Go and do your warrior’s deed_

_Redwall has a dire need _

_Save the land from ‘insert villain’s name—‘ _

_—Oh, whoops. Uh, **Vaska’s** claws_

_For you alone uphold our laws_

_Find my sword beyond these walls_

_In a place where no pin falls.”_

Lissi was willing to forgive the matter of the paws, but now the slip-up—which had shifted the voice a few pitches higher for a few moments—had made her _very_ suspicious.

“Say,” said Lissi, before the figure could turn to go. “You’re not really automated, are you?”

He froze. “Uh… Um, I’m not allowed to speak outside procedure, goodbye!” he said, high-pitched. It attempted to make a quick exit, but stumbled. The cowl fell off, revealing the small ears and large nose of a wombat.

“Hey, you’re not even a mouse!” Lissi was indignant. How dare they not send her her fake Martin recording! She had sacrificed a lot (well, only a few hours of her sanity playing Redwall Monopoly) for this moment.

“Oh, drat,” said the wombat. “They’re never going to let me hear the end of this. And I did such a great Martin voice, too! I suppose saying ‘You didn’t see _anything_’ and waving my paws wouldn’t work?” The wombat eyed Lissi hopefully.

“Well, of course not,” huffed Lissi. “I’ve seen _everything_!”

“Whatever, then,” said the wombat. “Go finish your quest. That’s what you’re here for, anyhow.” And he trundled away into the mist.

“Yeah, whatever,” muttered Lissi to herself. “It wasn’t even a good poem, anyway. Absolutely useless. Oh well, time to wake up.”

Lissi opened her eyes.

***

“So… You two are leaving now?” asked Neela, watching Lissi and Songwind strap on their haversacks.

“Yup,” said Lissi. “Martin told me to go off on my quest, so I am.”

“I get that,” said Neela. “But why is Songwind going along? We need a Mother Abbess!”

“_I_ need a villain to defeat. As soon as I find Martin’s sword, I might as well finish the task I was handed. And for that, it’s more convenient to have my villain come along with me.”

“And what will we do?” asked Bronte. “Twiddle our paws the entire time? This is a group roleplay—without a villain here or an abbess to celebrate or a riddle to solve, we’ll have nothing to do.”

“It’s probably best if I stay here, Lissi,” Songwind whispered, looking down at her paws.

“Fine, fine,” said Lissi. “But I need a partner with me. No character goes alone once Martin visits them. It’s a canon rule.”

“I’ll go,” said Skystar, stepping forward. He had adapted his attire into a combination of all of his roles: a scarlet cape with a clasp in the shape of a volcano, a military jacket covered in handmade badges and medals, and finally, a white waist apron that still had tattered pieces of lace from his numerous attempts to cut it off.

Neela nodded approvingly. “Everything’s settled, then. Are you ready to go, Lissi?”

“Yeah, sure.” Lissi hefted her haversack. It made a squelching sound and she looked at Bronte accusingly. “What’d you put in this? Fruit salad?”

“Relax,” said Bronte, holding up a paw. “That’s just your perishables for today and they’ve been well wrapped up. You have plenty of traveling food for the rest of the trip, along with some drinks and medical supplies. I’m the Friar, not stupid.”

“Oh. Okay. Thanks,” said Lissi, smiling a little. Skystar finished putting on Songwind’s haversack and the ottermaid and hare began to walk out of the Abbey.

“Goodbye,” Songwind called cheerily, waving. Neela and Bronte waved, too, watching their friends disappear out of sight.

As soon as the two travelers were out of both eyesight and earshot, Songwind dropped her paw and grinned maniacally at the otter twins.

“Um, Song?” asked Neela, a bit nervous.

“Well, well, well,” said Songwind, her voice an octave lower than usual. “Aren’t we gonna have fun?” She clapped her paws together and laughed, a deep, booming sound.

Bronte exchanged a glance with Neela. Both gulped.

***

_“Find my sword beyond these walls/In a place where no pin falls. Find my sword beyond these walls/In a place where no pin falls. Find—"_

“Look, lass,” interrupted Skystar as the two walked. “I know that rhyme is jolly important to you, but you’ve been saying that over and over again for the last half-hour. It’s rather annoying.”

“But I have to figure out what it means!” said Lissi. “It’s the whole reason why we’re out here.”

“Sure, but I’m just warning you. If you keep repeating that, I’m gonna jolly well go off my rocker. Understand?”

Lissi sighed exasperatedly. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just don’t know where we’re going and that rhyme is all we got.”

“I hope that wombat-Martin-stand-in had the right poem, at least,” said Skystar, “because by the way, we’re lost.”

Lissi halted mid-step and blinked owlishly at her surroundings. Had it been two hours since they had left Redwall, or four? Or five? She couldn’t tell. At some point earlier, they had left the main road for what looked like a trail through Mossflower Woods. Except that it wasn’t. The trail had ended somewhere, but they hadn’t noticed. Lissi looked down, half-expecting to see the comforting ribbon of packed dirt beneath her paws and instead saw mottled green-and-brown loam. The trees surrounding the two dibbuns were tall and leafy and the woods were too dark for much sunlight to trickle through. It could be noon; it could be teatime. She couldn’t tell.

There was a loud thump behind her. She turned to see Skystar sitting down and undoing the laces on his haversack.

He looked up to see her staring. “What? We’ve been lost for hours! Best we can do, I’m thinking, is sit tight and have a bit of lunch. They’ll find us eventually. Unless, that is, you have the jolly map?”

“As a matter-of-fact, I do,” said Lissi, setting her own haversack on the ground and going through a few of its pockets. After some searching, she drew forth a thick, stapled packet of papers with a jubilant “Aha!”

“Wow, you really do keep all of your roleplay stuff with you,” Skystar said appraisingly. “I threw mine out a long time ago.”

“It just goes to show,” said Lissi, flipping through the papers. “They _do_ have some use in the simulation.”

They both squinted at the map of Mossflower Woods, roughly drawn but fairly accurate.

“So if we turned off the main road about here…” murmured Lissi, tracing her paw along the path.

“No, I think we left it here, then we walked over here,” said Skystar, pointing at a spot a little bit further down the road and into the woods than Lissi’s.

“We should probably try to find a landmark,” said Lissi. “Can you climb trees?”

“_Me?_” Skystar stared, incredulous. “Pshaw! I’ve never climbed a jolly tree in my life. Can you?”

“Of course not,” said Lissi. “That’s why I asked.” She put the papers back into her haversack and began to lace it up again. “Let’s go.”

“What, without lunch?” asked Skystar. _No lunch? The very idea!_

“Yes, without lunch.” Lissi shouldered her haversack and started walking in the direction of a particularly sunny patch of the woods. “Get your move on! We have a lot to figure out before nightfall.”

Skystar and his stomach grumbled, but followed after her anyway.

***

The moon hung low and magnified in the sky, casting odd shadows through the windows on the empty Infirmary beds. Bronte sat, curled up under a table well out of the view of the windows or the door. He had had too little sleep the night before and ought to have felt tired, but he was alert as he had ever been in his very short life. He clutched a wooden spoon tightly in his sweaty paw as an assassin might hold a dagger.

There was a tentative knock at the door and he started. Quietly, he slipped from his hiding place and tiptoed over to the door. Now he had to decide whether or not to open it.

It could be Neela. After all, he had told her to meet him here only an hour or so earlier. But it could also be Abbess!Songwind, sweet and motherly until she switched to Vaska!Songwind without warning.

And that’s when things would get scary.

Normal!Songwind had told them that it was just a bit of fun to keep them on their toes until Skystar and Lissi returned. But Bronte was starting to get the idea that Songwind was enjoying her game a little too much.

He opened the door a smallest fraction of a crack and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw his sister standing there.

“She didn’t see you go?” he asked. She shook her head. “Quickly, get inside!”

Neela darted into the Infirmary as Bronte shut the door behind her and locked it with a click.

“Whew,” she said, looking about her surroundings. “Never thought I’d be glad to be in this place.”

Bronte turned on a flashlight and searched in a cupboard for something. Eventually, he took out a bag of apples, one of his experimental specials—a mushroom-carrot-potato-hotroot-shrimp-pie, two flasks of strawberry juice, plates and wooden utensils, and a blanket.

“So…” said Neela, watching him set up their meal. “What’s the plan?”

“Plan?” He blinked at her in surprise. “What plan?”

“You know…”

“No, I don’t know.”

Neela rolled her eyes. “The plan about Songwind. Lissi has only been gone for a full day and our Abbess has already turned the Abbey upside down. So… We need to do something.”

“Well,” said Bronte. “There is no plan. As far as I see it, we have two options: either we stay and tough it out until Lissi and Skystar return, or we leave the Abbey and join them on their quest. I don’t like the sound of the former much, so I was going to ask you if you wanted to leave instead.” He grabbed one of the apples and was about to take a bite when Neela grabbed it out of his paw and set it down behind her, well out of his reach.

“Hey!”

“’Hay’ is for haybales. Or cows. Or however that saying goes. It’s beside the point: What kind of Redwaller are you?” she asked. “So a hyper squirrelmaid who has more power than anyone—aside from Lissi—suddenly decides to have multiple roles and milk them for all they’re worth. What’s so bad about that?”

Bronte gave her a Look.

“Okay, fine, so it is pretty scary,” Neela admitted. “But we can’t just leave! She may be our villain, but she’s also our Abbess, and we have to defend her if needs be. And furthermore, canon rules state that we have to remain here until the heroes arrive in the nick of time. ‘By the first light on the fifth day,’ or something like that. To leave would be breaking canon. And if we break canon…”

“—we lose the roleplay,” Bronte finished for her, although he was still surly. “So… What do you want to do?”

“Something that turns the game back onto_ her_ footpaws. We’re dibbuns, we’re the Dastardly Duo, and we have the whole night to come up with something. We’ll figure it out.”

And with that, the two got to work.

***

The second night after she began her journey, Lissi fell asleep feeling disgruntled and dispirited. Even with the maps, she and Skystar were no further along in figuring out where they were than when they had first realized that they were lost. She slept restlessly, dreaming of rhyming and ghost squirrels and swords just out of her reach. She gave up a few hours before dawn and decided to stargaze instead.

They had set up camp in a fairly large meadow in the woods (hopefully not the same as the first day’s) and the stars were particularly bright and clear this early in the morning. They twinkled like diamonds spread across a velvet blanket with just the slightest bit of lighter blue beginning to light the horizon.

Skystar still slept deeply, his snore a low rumble that, oddly enough, made everything seem all the more serene.

A soft rustle in the bushes nearby made Lissi’s fur stand on end.

_It’s dark, we’re alone, and we’re lost_, thought Lissi. _Perfect time for a randomly generated generic vermin attack_. They hadn’t said anything about it in the Official Manual for the Redwall Roleplay Game, 6th edition. But then again, warning about a sneak attack in advance kind of undermined its purpose, didn’t it?

She clutched her sword—a rough-cut piece of wood covered in aluminum foil and decorated in rhinestones—and called out, “Who’s there? Show yourself!”

A figure stepped out from the woods, slightly stumbling over the long hem of his dark habit. The wombat.

“Sorry, young’un,” he said, padding over to her. “Didn’t think you were awake. Oh well, the oatmilk’s been spilled now—no use pretending it didn’t happen. I was supposed to leave this for you to find, but I may as well just hand it over in person.” He presented a small box to her and she took it in bewilderment.

Lissi opened the box to find a small compass nestled inside. “Um, thanks? Sorry, I didn’t catch your name before. Mine’s Lissi.”

The wombat grinned. “Tabby. I must be going now. Perhaps I’ll see you again later.” His eyes flicked up to the clear, glittering sky. “Nice night for stargazing, isn’t it?” And then Tabby was gone.

Lissi sat down on her blankets, examining the compass—a standard one of plastic and water with a red arrow, nothing special—and mulling over her second encounter with the wombat. The needle, after some twisting and turning, had finally become still and the glass cover, new and shiny, showed the reflection of—

Stars.

Lissi stood and looked up at the sky, the compass held flat in her paw. So far, she and Skystar had been approximating their direction and time by using the sun and the stars. It wasn’t a very reliable system, but it was all they had. And now she had a compass.

The fixed star—the ladle star—hung cold and bright in the north. She checked the compass. It pointed not at the star, but to Lissi’s right.

Lissi shook the compass, let it settle in her paw, and checked it again. It still pointed to the right.

“Odd,” Lissi said to herself. “Why would it—" Then it dawned on her. _“Oh!”_

She ran over to Skystar, who had unbelievably managed to sleep through everything. It wasn’t an easy task to wake him, but after a few minutes of tugging and frantic talking, he blearily opened his eyes.

“Lissi… wha…?”

“C’mon, Skystar, get up! I’ve done it! I’ve solved it!”

“Jolly good golly missy,” said Skystar, rubbing his eyes with a paw. “Dontcha know it’s hours afore sunup?”

“This is waaay more important! I know how to find the sword and if we start now, we might be able to bring it to Redwall before sunset! Get your stuff together and let’s go!”

“Isn’t it more polite to give a friend an adequate explanation before you gallivant further into the countryside?”

“No time, no time! I’ll explain on the way!”

***

Breakfast arrived in Cavern Hole with an eerie calm, neither Bronte nor Neela trying to avoid Songwind and keep quiet. Quite the opposite, in fact. The otters made polite small talk to each another and their Abbess, even managing a serene smile of contentment every now and again.

As entertained as she was by this new change, Songwind felt unsettled. This wasn’t as much fun as seeing their attempts to communicate when they thought she wasn’t looking. It wasn’t as much fun as trying to see which personality of hers would provoke the most horrified expression.

To simply put it, they were being far too _nice_ and Songwind had to figure out why. It was high time for a character swap.

“Ahoy that, mateys!” yowled Songwind, baring her teeth ferociously at them. They merely blinked at her from across the table. Songwind grabbed a roll and bit it messily, sending crumbs and crusts flying everywhere. “Yargh, stan’ to atenshun, yew lily-livered slopscuts! You’re my pris’ners now! Yahaha!”

Neela and Bronte put down their cereal spoons and exchanged a glance. _Game time._

“Sir Bronter,” said Neela, smoothing an imaginary apron, “thy Abbess be a gurt jokerbeast, burr aye!”

“Capital observation, madam,” replied Bronte. “Perhaps today she isn’t quite well, wot wot.”

“When our friend Lissi returns, she’ll mend what’s wrong, I’m sure of it.” Neela’s voice was a bit higher than before. She sat primly and fluttered her eyelashes.

Bronte shifted in his seat. “Thou hath spoken wisely, dear sister. Thy mind beith filed with the draught of kind intuition.”

Songwind found that she was blinking several times and fighting the urge to gape openly at her companions.

“Um… what?” she asked.

“Hark! Yon fair maiden hath a quandary!” Bronte clutched a paw to his chest dramatically.

“No, really, you guys,” said Songwind. “What’s going on? Why are you acting so weird?”

Neela quirked a brow.

“I mean, weirder than usual,” Songwind amended.

Wordlessly, Bronte took out a fancy-looking scroll and slid it across the table. Songwind unrolled it and began to read.

“’Hear ye, hear ye! The most honorable Bronte and Neela of Redwall…’ Blah, blah, blah… ‘When in times of utmost need…’ Yadda yada, I don’t know these words. ‘Neela and Bronte, aged seven seasons, reserve the right to assume other personas in the virtual roleplay, as mandated by the Redwall Roleplay Game Rule Book, chapter nine, section 3, subsection 42.’” She looked up at them, confused. “But I thought you had to have a majority vote to change your roleplaying characters.”

“We do,” said Neela, pointing to a series of scribbles at the bottom of the scroll.

“You got Gatekeeper to sign it? How’d you manage that bit of magic?”

“We bribed them with my strawberry scones,” Bronte answered. “As it turns out, I’m quite good at making them.”

“Hmph!” was the squirrelmaid’s reply. She sat back in her chair and crossed her arms in a pout. Then she brightened up again.

“Hey, if you can have more than two roles in the game, then so can I!”

Bronte shrugged. “Sure. It’s not against the rules.”

“Yay! This is gonna be so awesome! Let’s find Gatekeeper ‘cause I have so many ideas for characters that it’s ridiculous. Can you imagine how much fun we’ll be having by the time Lissi an’ Skystar get back?”

As Songwind joyfully skipped out of the room, her breakfast forgotten, Bronte and Neela exchanged worried glances before getting up to follow her.

They were beginning to wonder if Lissi would be able to handle this monster they’d created.

***

“There it is,” said Lissi, pointing up at a crevice between two stalactites. From where he stood, Skystar could just barely see the glint of metal and the red glow of the pommel stone.

“Magnets, huh?” He wrinkled his nose. “You know, maybe_ I_ should start writing the plots of the roleplay games, rather than leave it to Martin. This is kinda…”

“Anti-climatic?”

“Yeah, just a tad, wot. No monsters, no mazes, and no portents of doom! I was fully prepared to die and this is all the grand Redwall Roleplay Game has to put us in dire straits? Hmmph.”

“We still have to get it down from there,” she pointed out.

“Yeah, there is that.” Skystar dug through his haversack until he pulled out some flint and tinder. “Light a torch and hold it for me, will you? I’m going to go up and get it.”

“Be careful,” said Lissi, glancing upwards.

“Pfwah, I’ll be fine. I always am.”

It was still a nerve-wracking task. By the time Skystar had finally managed to free the sword from the magnetic rock, the hare precariously balanced on a narrow ledge. He had lost all feeling in his paws and his knees threatened to buckle beneath him at any moment. When he reached the safety of the ground with his precious burden, he immediately sat and swore he would never move again.

Lissi rolled her eyes and relieved him of the sword. “Come on. I know you’re tired and everything, but we can still put in a few good hours of walking before we rest. I think I recognize this area, anyway. Just eat something and you’ll feel like yourself soon enough.” She handed him a loaf of traveler’s bread and a flagon of apple juice.

He accepted both gratefully, but not without sighing a little. “’Kay, whatever. I wanna go home, too.”

***

“Good Badger Lords, what happened here?” Lissi’s eyes were wide as she surveyed the damage: the Abbey doors hung off their hinges, the walls were covered in what looked like the remnants of a giant food fight, and three small figures dressed up as who-knows-what chased each other across the lawns, shouting and waving weapons at one another.

Gatekeeper smiled wryly. “I haven’t the faintest idea. I see you completed your quest, though.” They nodded at Martin’s sword, which was strapped to Skystar’s back. “I suppose you all will be leaving soon?”

“Quest… leave… Ah, yes.” Lisi was still trying to understand the scene before her. “As soon as I get this sorted out.”

“Blimey,” said Skystar, shaking his head. “So _this_ is what Bronte was up to while I was away. And he didn’t even think to jolly well tell me, that scallywag.”

Lissi smartly marched over to her friends, trying to look authoritative, rather than bewildered, which was what she truly felt. As soon as they saw her, they ran up to greet her and Skystar, giggling and virtually unrecognizable under their odd assortment of clothes and face paint.

“I’m back,” declared Lissi. “Now, which one of you ruffians is Songwind?”

“Me, I think,” said the smallest figure, stepping forward.

“You think? What do you mean?”

Songwind shrugged. “Well, I could be Songwind, but I also could be the Mother Abbess, Vaska Bloodclaws, Burbee, Archer Wyvern, Friar Apples, Log-a-log Songstream, Urth-thunder, Bluestripe the—“

“Wait, did you add more roles while we were gone?” Skystar asked.

Songwind and the otter twins nodded.

_“All of you?” _

More nodding.

Lissi pinched the bridge of her nose. “Okay, well, you’ve finally got me. I’m terribly confused. But I just need Songwind to be Vaska for a moment so that we can get this over with.”

“Aw, but it was just getting fun,” said a figure with Neela’s voice. “Do we have to go so soon?”

“I don’t know, Neela,” replied Bronte, the last figure to be identified. “I don’t think I could go on much longer. Roleplaying like this is tiring business.”

“Huh, okay,” said Neela. “Go on, Songy. I guess it’s time for us to go home.”

Vaska!Songwind laughed evilly and drew herself up before Lissi, one hand on her hip and the other on a special dueling rapier (dibbun-sized, of course). “’Hoy there! I be Vaska Bloodclaws, the baddest beast ever to rule Redwall Abbey! Who are you?”

Lissi smiled and took the sword of Martin offered to her by Skystar. “I am Lissi Riversong, ottermaid of Redwall and Mossflower Wood. The blood of warriors and legendary creatures of the sea courses through my veins and I am destined to stop you!”

The blades clashed and flickered in the sunlight, flashing with just the right amount of Dibbun Drama™ Lissi had requested, much to her satisfaction. They fought with jabs and spins and loud boasts, more dancing than anything. But it was fun.

At last, Vaska!Songwind got tired and threw down her weapon.

“Okay, I’m done. You win.”

“Alright,” said Lissi. “Let’s just leave the game as it is. That was as good of an ending as anything. Minus the three days of feasting per canon rules and poem compositions and whatnot.”

Neela watched sadly as the virtual Abbey grounds around her melted back into the bland sandstone walls and orderly cots of her dorm. “That was more fun than the other games. You should join in the multi-roleplaying next time, Lissi. You and Skystar would have had loads of fun.”

Lissi and Skystar exchanged a wry glance.

Songwind jumped up and tugged at the sleeves of Skystar and Neela’s tunics. “Boy, all that fun made me _hungryhungryhungry _again. Wanna race me down to the Kitchens for some strawbee juice and honey scones?”

Before any of her friends had a chance to respond, she was already halfway to the door. “Ready, set, go! Hahaha, can’t catch me!”

Neela, Bronte, Skystar, and Lissi futilely dashed after her, protesting loudly.

“Hey, no fair!”

“You’re a cheater, Songy!”

“I’ll get you, lass! See if I don’t!”

“Wait for me!”

The clatter of their paws and their laughter rang throughout the halls, mingling with the song of the bells as they tolled the noon hour of a beautiful spring day. Throughout the grounds, throughout Mossflower Woods, throughout Salamandastron and the Green Isle and even further beyond, woodland creatures worked and lived and died and thrived. But there was only one place in all the lands that would always be open and welcome them home:

_Redwall._

**Author's Note:**

> Neela, Bronte, Gatekeeper, and Tabby are all OCs from my childhood DAB days. Skystar, Lissi, and Songwind were borrowed with permission from their original creators to exist in this fic, and I hope I depicted them with sufficient accuracy. (Give me a holler in the comments if you remember any of us!)


End file.
